Here's To The Night
by November Rain 19
Summary: A pilot reflects back on an experience he had during the war. Shounen-ai/yaoi. R&R.


Author's Notes: Just because I feel like rambling. Most of my inspiration I draw from feelings or experiences that have happened in my own life. The rest of my inspiration seems to come from music. I think that's why I do so many song fics. So take a little time sometime and sit down and listen to your cd collection, or just flip on the radio. You'd be surprised what can be generated. Anyway. This was originally a short story, but I thought it would fit well as a Gundam fic. You can decide who is talking and who he is talking about because I didn't use any names. Lyrics are in_ italics_. 

Warning: Shounen-ai/yaoi. You should be used to that from me by now. 

Disclaimer: Gundam does not belong to me. The song belongs to Eve 6. 

  


  


Here's To The Night   
by Melissa 

  
  
  
  
  


"Here's To The Night!" 

I glanced over my shoulder at the person who had shouted. He was a scrawny thing who obviously couldn't hold his liquor very well. He raised his glass quickly to his mouth, but succeeded in getting more liquor on him than in him. Another patron complained about our loud friend and one of the bouncers quickly corralled him and threw him outside. 

I'm sitting in a bar on my home colony. It's a dirty, dingy, out of the way place, but it suits my needs just fine. I make eye contact with the bartender and he ambles over to top off my drink. I've lost track of the number of shots I've had. Too many probably. I was never one to do anything in small measures though. All or nothing, that was me. 

I smile, but only slightly, for the drunk's words open up a flood gate of memories for me. It's been nearly five years since the war with Earth has ended. Five years, and yet I can still close my eyes and see everything with photographic detail. 

It's funny. Most people drink to forget, but I drink to remember. Remembering things that my mind won't entertain otherwise unless I'm drunk. I raise my glass and pound the shot down, echoing the sentiments of my recently departed inebriated friend. 

"Here's to the Night." 

_So denied_   
_So I lied_   
_Are you the now or never kind?_   
_In a day_   
_And a day love_   
_I'm gonna be gone for good again_   
_Are you willing_   
_To be had_   
_Are you cool with just tonight?_   
_Here's a toast_   
_To all those who hear me all too well_

We were both pilots at the time. Members of an elite five chosen to fly specials machines called Gundams to defend the colonies. We were only together a few months before it started. 

I can't really recall who initiated it. Maybe it was him, or maybe it was me. It doesn't really matter in any case. All I know for certain is that we needed each other. This need was born out of wanting to feel. To feel something, anything, other than constant pain. 

The first night we slept together, was nothing like I had ever experienced before. It was good. It was damn good. I'm not going to candy coat what I'm saying, that's what happened, plain and simple. Lust, unbridled lust was all it was. Feelings that manifesting themselves in that way because they had been bottled up for too long. 

What was so ironic is the fact that it was supposed to be a one time thing. 

"This is just for tonight," he had said. It was more of a statement than a question. 

I pressed him to the mattress and kissed him savagely as a way of an answer. 

_Here's to the nights we felt alive_   
_Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry_   
_Here's to goodbye_   
_Tomorrow's gonna come too soon_

That night turned into the next night, and the following night, and so on and so forth. 

The pleasure became like a drug to me. It would shoot through my brain and let me know that I was alive. I think that's all I really wanted at the time, and perhaps even now to some degree. I just wanted to feel alive. 

Every morning I would get up and get dressed, pulling on my shirt to cover the scratch marks on my back. Even though I spent every night indulging in carnal pleasures with him, when the light of day came, I could not bring myself to look him in the eyes. I would just slink away with the shadows. 

I think I was afraid of what I might see. 

Or perhaps what he would see in my eyes. 

_Put your name_   
_On the line_   
_Along with place and time_   
_Wanna stay_   
_Not to go_   
_I wanna ditch the logical_   
_Here's a toast_   
_To all those_   
_Who hear me all too well_

Everything in my mind was telling me this was wrong, for a variety of reasons. I didn't care though. It felt so good, so to hell with being 'wrong.' 

My feelings changed at some point during that time, though I couldn't pinpoint the exact moment. I stopped thinking of the time we were together as just mindless, animal sex. I found myself wanting to be with him, rather than just needing to be with him. 

I think I fell in love after falling into lust. 

I started wanting to stay in his arms for just a little longer each night. I tried to prolong it for as long as I could, but in the end the result was the same. As hard as it was becoming to do so, I would still always leave. 

Always. 

_Here's to the nights we felt alive_   
_Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry_   
_Here's to goodbye_   
_Tomorrow's gonna come too soon_

Sometimes I'd awake in the middle of the night, finding that I couldn't fall back asleep. I would then find myself just watching him, nestled in my embrace. More often than not, I could see the remnants of tears on his cheeks. I'd kiss them away gently so as not to wake him. And sometimes I would cry, because the sun was never far away. 

_All my time is froze in motion_   
_Can't I stay an hour or two or more_   
_Don't let me let you go_

I remember our last night together. Of course, I didn't know it would be our last night at the time. 

Like clockwork, I rose in the early morning and proceeded to collect my clothing. As I began to dress, I heard his voice call out to me, being just barely above a whisper. 

"Please....please stay with me...." 

He wanted me to stay, and the lord knows just how much I wanted to as well. I had longed to hear those words so badly.... Why the hell didn't I stay?? That question will always continue to haunt me. 

I shook my head. "You know the routine," I replied coldly as I left. 

"Good bye," he said softly with both tears and pain evident in his voice. 

Why couldn't I have been honest for once in my god damned miserable life?? Why was I so intent on hiding? I should have stayed. 

And that was the last time I saw him. The war was finally over and we all went our separate ways that day. 

For a long time, I tried so hard to blame him. Blame him for letting me let him go. It's not his fault though, it never was. 

It was my fault. All mine. 

_Here's a toast_   
_To all those who hear me all too well_

I take another shot, the high proof alcohol burning it's way down my esophagus. 

_Here's to the nights we felt alive_   
_Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry_   
_Here's to goodbye_   
_Tomorrow's gonna come too soon_

The bartender comes over and stands in front of me, pouring me one final drink. "Last call," he said, somewhat apologetically. "Go home or find someone to go home with." 

"What time is it?" I hear myself ask, while trying in vain to focus my vision. 

The portly man glanced up at the wall. "Nearly 3 am." 

I raised my hand and pinched the bridge of my nose. "It's morning all ready?" 

"Yeah," he replied, walking me to the door. "That's the problem with mornings. They always seem to come too soon." 

I nodded, but only slightly because the motion caused the pain in my head to worsen. 

He wished me a safe journey home, stepped back inside and then shut and locked the door to the bar. 

_Here's to the nights we felt alive_   
_Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry_   
_Here's to goodbye_   
_Tomorrow's gonna come too soon_

I stood outside and watched the dwindling night sky for a moment. The grey overtaking the black little by little with every moment that passed. 

All I could think about was just how right the bartender was. 

Tomorrow always comes too soon.   


The End.   


More Author's Notes: I'd like to know what you thought of it. Until next time.   


"Do what you feel in your heart to be right, for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do and damned if you don't." - Eleanor Roosevelt   



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